Mistake #1: Talking to a man the same way you talk to your girlfriends.
Men’s emotions are like women's sexuality: you can't be too direct too quickly.
Most men relate to emotions differently than women. Their brains are more single focused. Women can feel their emotions, talk about them, and make complex decisions at the same time. Men usually need space so they can focus deeply and process their thoughts and feelings, in order to put them into words. Women see men pulling away and think they don’t care! When really he’s pulling away because he DOES care, and he’s processing his thoughts and feelings so he can share them when he’s ready. When we get angry that he doesn’t open up with us, he feels pressured and misunderstood, and then he’s less likely to open up.
This is just one of the many ways that women misperceive men’s behavior, and he feels misunderstood, like he can’t be himself around you, and so he won’t show you as much attention or affection without even knowing why…and you’ll feel abandoned, disregarded, and unimportant.
So what do we do instead? I teach the differences between men and women, and with my 1 on 1 clients, I teach how to apply these insights to your unique relationship, since everyone is different, but I’ve been doing this long enough to know how to customize it to each relationship.
My female clients are surprised by how quickly simple shifts work to reawaken their man’s heart!
Mistake #2: Operating from your masculine.
Masculine and feminine energy isn’t about gender, or sexual orientation. Both men and women have both masculine and feminine energies. You can choose to be in your masculine OR feminine as you go through your day, but to create passion and attraction in a romantic relationship, one partner chooses to be in the masculine and the other partner chooses to be in their feminine, and then you have passion.
Masculine energy is about direction and accomplishment. It’s about doing, strategizing, thinking, decision-making, logistics, analyzing, solving problems, leading and giving. Feminine energy is about feeling, receiving, intuiting, just being, following, and the spiritual practice of surrender and allowing. That doesn’t mean we allow just anything; we have boundaries, we’re just not choosing the direction when we’re in our feminine.
Think of a partner dance. The man leads and the woman follows, but she also influences. He chooses the direction based on how she’s expressing herself, so she feels good.
If we’re with a masculine energy man, he’s going to want to be the leader of the team. Following doesn’t mean being submissive; it means collaborating. He’ll want to make the plans and logistics. This doesn’t mean you don’t think, or express your opinions, or make decisions together. It means that he wants respect for his decisions, his way of doing things, and he wants you to follow, when it feels good for you. You are both equal; you’re just choosing to embody different ways of being.
We women make the mistake of trying to connect with a man through his mind, instead of connecting with his heart. A man can’t connect to us when we’re in our heads. We have to drop down into our hearts and bodies, and then he’ll drop down into his heart, and bam – we’re connected.
When we can express our feelings, emotions, and sensuality in an inspiring way, instead of a demanding way, he feels compelled to please us, and take actions that make us feel good.
But what happens if we try to plan, strategize, and tell our man what to do? Men really do want to please us, so he probably won’t leave, but he’ll lose his attraction, and you’ll be butting heads all the time. You’ll both be in your heads, and there’ll be no one to carry the feelings, to offer the sensuality, creativity and true passion that creates the romance and intimacy that you want!
We are depriving him of what makes him feel strong as a man, respected for his leadership and his ability to care for us and make us happy. He’ll go along, but he’ll feel mothered and disrespected. He’ll become lazy, complacent, secretly resentful, and stop trying to make us happy. He’ll interpret our attitude as that we don’t trust him, and he’ll take our telling him what to do as criticism, that he can’t do it right. He’ll stop doing things for you, and then we feel like we have to do everything!
Does this sound familiar to you? Do you find yourself doing all the chores, picking up after him, making plans, or generally acting like superwoman because you fear that if you stop then nothing will get done? Are you stressed out, angry, and resentful that your man isn’t pulling his own weight? If so, you’re in your masculine energy, and over functioning.
If you like being with a masculine-energy man, you need to know how to express your feminine energy. Embodying your feminine energy means honoring and really being comfortable feeling your feelings instead of controlling them, trusting your intuition, surrendering to your sense of what’s right for you. It means letting him into the depth of your emotions without making him wrong; letting him be deeply touched and moved by the beauty of your inner being.
In our culture, most women have forgotten how to simply just be, and really deeply cherish our own experience, without having to change it. Just being is attracting rather than pursuing, intuiting rather than thinking. Not trying to please others, not trying to control or manage situations, accepting and loving everything that is-including our desire to change it, and allowing ourselves to be guided to co-create instead of control situations.
When you really learn to embody your feminine energy, you simply attract what you need from your man– affection, fun, great sex, romance, excitement, mutual support, harmony, emotional Safety, a way to make decisions as a team – and a real Soul-mate Connection with your man.
This is not about finding more clever ways to get him to do what you want him to do. It’s not about tricks – it’s about creating a true, loving partnership. It’s about letting go of control and managing him in order to have the relationship you truly desire, doing what’s in the highest good for both of you, creating true harmony.
For example, I worked with a woman who was complaining that she had to do all the work around the household, clean, cook, take care of the kids, on top of both her and her husband working, and it seemed her husband wouldn’t participate unless she told him what to do, and even then she had to remind him to do it. Sound familiar?
She didn’t believe me that if she stopped doing everything, that he would do anything! But I taught her how to relate to her emotions totally differently. To stop relating to him in a way that even implied that he was doing it wrong. Which was hard! She didn’t realize how much she was making him wrong even if she didn’t say anything to him!
The thing about emotions is if we’re using them to control the situation, others around us feel manipulated. So I taught her to feel her feelings, feel her more vulnerable feelings: sadness, loneliness, longing, and to start connecting to her needs for partnership, support, and self care. She stopped doing everything and started nurturing herself, started getting nurturing from other women in her life, STOPPED resenting her husband, and appreciated him for everything he DID do, and she was shocked when he started stepping up more and listening to her feelings once he didn’t feel made wrong for them, and they had conversations about how they could delegate and take care of the work together. It didn’t happen over night, but once she started relating to her emotions differently, the relationship transformed. Now she feels cherished and adored again, and their romance is alive once again!
Note from Sharon:
I highly encourage you, if you can relate to this story, and you want to learn to inspire your man to step up and fulfill your deepest desires, to take the next action.
I invite you to apply for a free “Back to Love” Strategy Session with Valerie where you can get deeper clarity on your vision, your patterns, and how to create the relationship you want!
It is a $150 value and there are 5 spots open that Valerie is offering for the next 72 hours. She will set up a time to connect with you in the next few weeks.
In the “Back to Love” session, you will be taken through a proprietary process to get clarity and a plan that you can start taking action on right after the session in the session you will be guided to be able to:
- Create a sense of clarity about the relationship you really want to have
- Find out the essential building blocks for having the relationship of your dreams
- Discover the #1 thing stopping you from having the relationship you want
- Identify the most powerful actions that will move towards the relationship you desire
- Complete the revival session with the excitement of knowing EXACTLY what to do next to create the relationship you truly want
Having a loving relationship is possible, no matter where you are right now.
Let Valerie support you to know how to connect with your man in a way that will support you both to get all your needs met.
About The Blog Author
Valerie Greene is a unique relationship mentor who helps couples stop fighting and fall in love again.
A highly successful alternative to relationship therapy, Valerie helps couples create a secure emotional CONNECTION; not just problem solving or communication skills. When couples feel like teammates again, win/win solutions are easy to create.
From this connected place, Valerie guides couples in creating an inspiring vision/purpose for their relationship, nurturing love and intimacy, and using relationship as a vehicle for personal and spiritual growth.
Valerie holds numerous certifications in coaching, NLP, and emotional healing modalities. She has led workshops and retreats, created educational videos for couples, and has a 12-week program where she guides either one or both partners to reignite their love and experience intimacy and passion again.